Saturday, March 04, 2006


I picked up these two well dressed middle aged guys at the Bellagio at around 6 O'clock. They gave a destination of DT and shortly thereafter the guy sitting right behind me gets a phone call. Over the next few minutes I determined it was his wife he was talking to. As guy was doing that the other guy and myself were trying to have a conversation w/o interrupting the first guys phone call. I don't remember what we talked about exactly. Throughout our conversation I could often overhear what the guy on the cell was saying. At one point a hear him say.

....Oklahoma City...

...nah honey, we're in Oklahoma City

So right away my opinion of this guy has changed. I mean...fuck yeah man. Im not saying nothing. I just acted like I didnt hear it. It's not my business anyway and I think it goes against some type of guy code too. Obviously his boy is in on the deal as well .

So that phone conversation continues for a while and ends shortly before we arrive downtown. I pull up to their destination and the meter reads $14.70. Cell phone guy asks me for a receipt which I handed him and then he hands me 15 bucks and actually says.

keep the change

What a motherfucker. I mean, I work for tips and are taxed on them regardless if you tip me or not. Now a lot of cab drivers will give you a hard time if you do that to them, but that's not really my style. I can count on one hand the number of times I've given someone shit for stiffing me and they all deserved it. So I said nothing to these guys. A lot of people get a free pass in my book, but when you say "keep the change" that just makes me want to punch you. ..You said "keep the change" which implies that you understand that tipping is recommended. You ask for a receipt so you're not even paying for it yourself on top of it. Its not like I gave you bad service. .....Its real easy to let rides like that effect your whole attitude and future tips as well, so I tried to let it go and left to find another fare.

Im a couple of blocks away from where I cleared at a red light and I hear a cell phone ring in the backseat.

Now, its not uncommon to find a cell phone in the cab, or all kinds of stuff actually. Generally what I do when I find a phone is inform dispatch of the lost item and then hit talk twice on the phone, call the last number they called and usually from there you can track the person down. In which case most people are very gracious that you got their phone back and line your pocket accordingly. However in this case I didn't realize I had a phone until I heard it ring, so I answered it.


(Ladies voice)
..hello?.....who is this?

My name is Andrew, Im a cab driver and I just found this phone in the backseat so I answered it.

there are cabs in Oklahoma City?

I'll interrupt only to say that it is unfathomable how much mileage that guy might have gotten out of 5 bucks at this point.
.......How should I know?

Whats that supposed to mean?


Aren't you a cab driver in Oklahoma City? You just said that you found this phone in your cab

Lady, Im a cab driver in Las Vegas

WHAT?! husband just told me on the phone he was in Oklahoma City!!!

Yeah I know, I heard him say that...I picked them up at the Bellagio and took them downtown. I was talking to the other guy while he was on the phone with you I guess

why are you telling me all of this?

(she's pretty distraught at this point)

Honestly? You're husbands an ass. I brought him and his buddy down here for 15 bucks, he stiffs me on the tip and then has the gaul to ask for a receipt. Im certainly not lying for him at this point, so I guess his cat is out of the bag.

well...what are you going to do with his phone?

I dont know...what do you want me to do with it?

Just throw it out the window

...and with that I did. Didn't say bye or even hang it up. Rolled the window down and chucked it doing about 30. Hopefully a homeless guy found it and is racking up the bill.


DNA024 said...

Priceless dude. I started reading your stuff in January and thought it was great. Then i seen no update since, i was getting kinda pissed checking it all the time. Then just today noticed that in my favorites where i have it save, i saved the link for January not home page. Sorry, feel like a real Ass now. Love the stories man. Hopefully i'm in your cab someday, i'll try to do something that will create a story for your blog.

MrFunkMD said...

Thanks man. So I guess you're the first official fan then. I feel blessed. Maybe one day you can say you knew me when.

Bushman said...

Wow, you are one funny guy!

My wife and I go to Vegas at least 3 times a year, and I really hope to be in your cab someday. Everything you've mentioned are things which I could easily see happening out there. Keep up the great work and be safe!

Anonymous said...

What an OUTSTANDING story!! Well done!

Anonymous said...

What an OUTSTANDING story! Well done!!

dodo said...

Great stuff. I was brought here by waiter's rant. I'm hooked :)