Tuesday, May 01, 2007


I was dropping off at the IP. When I pulled up there must have been 30 people waiting in line, no cabs to be seen. The couple that was next in line for a cab were impatient and couldn't even wait for my current passenger to exit fully before they tried getting in. The new passenger bumps into my old passenger as he is getting out and they got into it briefly:

Old Passenger:
Watch where the fuck you're going man. You can't wait two seconds for me to get out?....dumb ass...

New Passenger:
Fuck off, I'll do whatever I want.

My old passenger walked away and the new one proceeded to help his drunk girlfriend into the backseat.

This is going to be a fun one I thought. That's F-U-N. I probably should have refused the ride right then and there but I decided to take them. I have no idea why. I asked where they were going and the guy responded:

Take us to Luxor.

She's not going to get sick is she?

No. She's alright.

He said as I turned around to see that the girl is already laying down in the backseat.

Are you sure? ...Because if that chick pukes in my cab we're going to have problems, and I'm not going to walk away like that guy did.

Don't worry about it, she won't get sick

Interestingly, it's always the people who say shit like that who end up causing problems.

Truth be told, I have never had anyone puke in the cab(knock on wood). This is mostly due to the fact that I generally don't load people I think will end up losing their lunch. If I do load them, I'll let them know in advance, like I'm doing here, that there are few things in this world that are going to piss me off more than that.

Look man, if she pukes I'll give you $200 ok? Can you just take us to the Luxor please?

I reached my right hand towards the back seat.

Shake it. If she pukes, you're giving me two hundred dollars.


He shook my hand and I turned the meter on. I put the cab in gear and made a right hand turn to go out the back way towards the alley.

Along the way I tried to conceal the fact that I was annoyed, but I'm not very good at that for some reason. We made it all the way to Reno & the BLVD. (directly across the street from Luxor) without incident. I was waiting for the light to change, literally feet from our destination. Then our girl speaks up and says in her best half passed out drunk chick voice:

I think I'm going to puke

I was torn, but I knew I didn't want the two hundred bucks that badly. I rolled the windows down as the guy is trying to convince her to hold it for "few more seconds". The light changed and I motored it up toward the main entrance at the Luxor, thinking the massive speed bumps would be our ultimate demise. Thankfully we made it and as soon as we came to a stop at the front door the girl bolts out of the cab and heads for the bushes that run alongside the base of the pyramid. I got out, walked around to the other side of the cab to address the guy:

Ohhh so close...lucky you. It's $10.70.

I should have figured from the very beginning. How stupid of me....

Can you wait for a second? I need to run inside and use the ATM.


I don't have any cash on me, I need to run inside and use the ATM so I can pay you.

Just so we're clear, you got into my cab without any money to pay for it. On top of that, you placed a bet with me with money that you don't even have. Did I get that right?

If he didn't gather that I was annoyed before he certainly does now.

I guess so...Yeah. Look, it's not a big deal, I'll give you 20 bucks when I get back ok?

Don't tell me it's not a big deal. You're wasting my time right now and unfortunately for you, that's a huge deal as far as I'm concerned. Take out your ATM card, give me your wallet, ID and credit cards as collateral and go get your cash.

I looked over and noticed a bigger line of people waiting for cabs than there was at IP. He took his ATM card out of his wallet and handed the fake leather bi-fold to me.

Ok, I'll be right back. Can you make sure she doesn't wander off while I'm gone?

Go get my twenty bucks.

Asking me for any help at this point is an exercise in futility. He started to walk inside and I climbed back into the cab, catching a glance at the chick still shouting "Europe" at the bushes. I thought to myself that him actually returning with any cash at all was even money at best.

Thankfully our hero returned in a timely fashion. As he walked around to my side I lowered my window and he traded me a twenty spot for his wallet and ID back. I thought we were done but for some reason he couldn't let it be at that:

You know, you don't have to be asshole about it.

I laughed out loud.

That's where you're wrong. If I'm not an asshole than you'll continue to dick me around. That's how it works, trust me. If I let you dick me around, you will. So I'm not going to let you. Forgive me for not being Mr. Nice Guy about you fucking up my program.

He raises his voice:

What's you're deal man?

My deal is, when people waste my time my income is affected. You see all these people here waiting for a cab? I know that doesn't mean shit to you but we're talking about my livelihood here. That's not something that I take lightly and it's incredibly inconsiderate and disrespectful of you to disregard that. Excuse me for trying to hold you accountable to a reasonable standard of taxi-cab patronage. Perhaps if Daddy would have taught you right, you would have made sure you had money to pay for the services you required beforehand. This is a task that 99% of my passengers can negotiate successfully. You on the other hand, are another story.

I want my change.


What was the meter amount? Ten something? I want my nine bucks back.

I laughed out loud again, then looked him right in the eye with a straight face and said:


You can't steal from me like that...I WANT MY FUCKING CHANGE BACK.

He said it loud enough that the doorman gave me a look, along with seemingly everyone in the taxi line.

Who's stealing? You said you would give me 20 dollars for wasting my time. You wasted my time and then you gave me twenty dollars. End of transaction. Our business has concluded thank you.

The sarcastic "thank you" probably didn't help my cause any, but I seriously don't give a fuck at this point. I mean, I fully understand this guys beef with me, I am being an asshole right now. It's the fact that he doesn't understand mine is where the disconnect lies.

He starts yelling at the top of his lungs, presumably to get securities attention.


Stop being a little bitch dude. I'm leaving now. I suggest you take down my cab number and file a complaint with the TaxiCab Authority if you feel that strongly about it.

I said as I rolled up my window. By this time of course there is a line of cabs so they're not going to load me, I have to go to the back of the line. So I put the cab in gear and slowly drove away hoping the guy wouldn't do anything really stupid. As I pulled away I could see in the rear view that he was checking out my cab number. I wasn't worried in the least about hearing from the TA later. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. If it appears at all, which it probably won't. Sorry, but I'm not paying sweetheart ten bucks because he got his feelings hurt. Besides, I told him exactly what to do if he really feels he was wronged.

I exited Luxor's property and went directly across the street to the end of the cab line at Mandalay Bay. Standard operating procedure for me after clearing at Luxor. After staging for a few minutes I found myself as the fourth cab in line. On the sidewalk adjacent to to the cab line I noticed two very attractive blonds, one holding a small white "accessory" dog in her arm. You know that retarded fad you see on MTV and other lame stations? They were bent over talking to the second cab in line through his shotgun window. The spoke for a short time, then the girls walked back one cab to the 3rd one in line. That driver rolled down his window, the girls bent over and talked to him for about a minute. Apparently not getting the answer they wanted, they stopped talking to that driver and our eyes met as they approached my cab.

I locked my doors and rolled my passenger side window down. Every time you see other drivers refuse something, it's a good clue that it's something you're not going to want to do either. (See this story) The trendy dog holder bent over and stuck her head in:

Can you take us to the Candlewood Suites?...We don't have any cash on us but we do in our room, so can you take us and wait for us to run upstairs and get the money to pay you?...We'll give you a big tip for the trouble.

I laughed out loud, again. However, the best thing these chicks had going for themselves, besides being hot, was the fact that they were telling the drivers what the situation was beforehand. A fundamental, however incredibly important distinction in my mind. They informed me of the risk from the very beginning. If I take them, it's my own fault if I end up not getting paid. I thought about it, then replied:

That's fine, I'll help you guys out. But I'm holding Sparky for ransom until you get back.


Anonymous said...

Great stuff as always.

so has any chick offered you certain "perks" in exchange for a ride because they had no money? Just curious how crazy some of those giels can get... :)

Unknown said...


I love reading these. Good call on the Sparky ransom bit. Probably cost them $5,000 of their parents' money.

Anonymous said...

I am going to be out in Vegas from the 8th-13th. How can I get in contact with you?

MrFunkMD said...

You can contact me directly through the email provided in my profile. I'll get back to you or whomever asap.

Chris Sands said...


John said...

Well Did you get paid in kind ,or in cash money?

Eugene Salomon said...

Great story. Somebody puking in your cab has got to be the ultimate insult. It's like, "Nah, I don't wanna take the trouble of telling you to stop and pull over so I can puke on the steet. That would be an inconvenience. So I'll just puke right here on your seat and then YOU can clean it up." It's happened to me too many times and is my biggest fear when driving on a Saturday night.

John said...

You have to feel a little bit sorry for that looser. Spends money on the lady, she offers him the promise of great pleasure. Just when he thought he was getting his "Nat King Cole"
She gets seasick. Then he gets screwed by you as well.