Saturday, July 25, 2009


"You can't park here"
My "thanks" was followed by a long silence as I looked away from the man and pretended he was no longer there.
"You hear me? You can't park here"
"Thanks again, I heard you the first time"
"So why are you still here?"
"I'm not parking, I'm staging"
"Hey DUMBASS, do you see this curb that's painted red that you're parked in front of? That means you can't be here."
"And yet, here I am."
"Fine, have it your way, I'm going to call the T.A."
"Let me know how that works out for you."

The man took a few steps back, pretended to write my cab number on his clip board and followed the sidewalk into the Four Queens parking structure. I turned my reading light on, opened my book and read while I patiently waited for the cab stand 100ft in front of me to clear a cab so I could pull onto the it, legally. A few minutes passed and the man returned. The two cabs that had pulled up behind me in the meantime scattered like cockroaches after the lights come on before he got close.

"You're still here."
"It's true. What did TaxiCab Authority have to say?"
"They told me to write you a ticket."
"Really? That's fascinating. Sir before you write me a ticket can I ask you a question?"
"Do Four Queens security guards have some jurisdiction over city streets that I'm unaware of?"
"You're a real smartass arentcha?"
"Unfortunately for you, I'm not a dumbass no."

I glanced up to see if the cab stand had moved. It hadn't. Besides that, everything was going to plan.

"T.A. gave us authority to cite drivers that are blocking our driveway. You guys are always blocking our driveway and our customers can't get in or out."
"Am I blocking your driveway?"
"You're blocking the fire lane."
"Did T.A give you authority to cite drivers blocking the fire lane?"
"You're an asshole!"

Every time somebody calls me an asshole I know I'm on the right track. We both knew that T.A. didn't empower Four Queens security to do a damn thing. I looked up again. Still no movement on the actual stand. The rent a cop mumbled something under his breath and walked away.


I yelled at him. He turned around and walked back to my window.

"ALRIGHT! I'm really calling T.A. now!"
"Let me know how that works out for you."

Getting a ride downtown is tough business these days. You won't get a ride if you're unwilling to break any laws. You name it, catch a flag, illegal U-turn, backload, illegally park, frontload, illegally stage. You get on a stand downtown successfully without doing one or more of the above and you my friend, are a lucky motherfucker. There are simply too many cabs on the road. Shame.

Pg. 111. He came back.

"Ok they're on the way."
"Uh huh, sure they are. Say what's it to you anyway? Does the Four Queens have an interest on city streets that I'm unaware of? All you security guys are like this. You think you're hot shit and I'm on your turf so I have to obey you and you go home with a small cock and everything. You're just out here getting off telling cabbies what to do. But guess what, I'm NOT on your turf! Get over it man we both know I'm going to be long gone by the time T.A. rolls around here and he ain't writing me a ticket because he heard about it from you. Do you know what "To Wit" means? Do you know why they write that on every ticket? Do you understand what hearsay is? Seriously man, you're so important they gave you a flashlight. Mind your own fucking business and leave me alone."

Hotel security. They've been useful at times but usually only because they never have anything to do. But the real point to take away is that they all have hard ons. Even the chick security guards have hard ons. Power trip is the phrase I believe the kids use. Their whole lives, someone has been telling them what to do and now the shoe is on the other foot. They're gonna get payback for 45 years of obedience in seven and a half hours. But you should know that when it comes down to it they're not protecting anybody. They're not guarding* anything. When that nut-job was firing off rounds into the NYNY Casino where where they? They were running. It took two of their guests, who thankfully where a National Guardsman and a Navy Reservists on leave from Iraq to take control of the situation. They took cover and counted rounds until the clip dropped and it was time to jump the motherfucker. God bless those guys. And I know what you're thinking, MrFunk, you'd be running and screaming and pushing fuckers out of the way like everybody else. This of course is true, but then again, I don't have a hard on do I?

Twenty minutes later I was on the nut when the whistle blew. I turned off my reading light, having never seen Taxicab Authority.

*Not surprisingly a lawsuit arose (many in all likelyhood) claiming the NYNY-MGM&Mirage maintains lax security stating "Defendants breached the duty owed to plaintiff by failing to provide adequate security...". I do not know what came of this but one can imagine.


PJ said...

You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boooooy! yahooo


Lee said...

That was hilarious. You covered all the bases. I'm positive it went over his head. Hollywood screenwriters can take points from you. You hit the marks to exhaustion. 4/4 stars. We all think: I wish I had said that when he said that. Well, you did it. You hit the mark in righteousness, vindication, eloquence. I heard that. Excellent. By the way, what classics are you reading. I need to read some of those myself.

Anonymous said...

Hello, I stumbled across your blog and loved it.

Can I ask you a question? Do you feel that it's best to take the freeway to Mandalay Bay and 4 seasons rather than let's say Tropicana ave? If so, why?

Thanks in advance!

MrFunkMD said...

Thanks Lee. You asked what classics I'm reading...Lately it's been. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance which is one of my all time favorites having read it many times. Catcher in the Rye, To Kill a Mockingbird, 1984, and Old Man and the Sea are other books that I've revisited lately. Most notably however I've recently discovered Charles Bukowski. I read Factotum, Post Office and Ham on Rye and was immediately attracted to Bukowski' voice. They're so simple and hilarious. All three of those are must reads in my opinion. I read Artie Lange' To Fat to Fish and didn't laugh half as hard reading that as I did Post Office.

I have, and still am contemplating sharing my reads on this page but as of yet have not followed through with that. I don't know that this is a book club kind of website. But perhaps I will do something of the sort in the future.

Anony: Taking the freeway from the port to MB makes sense anytime except during the week from 3pm-6:30pm or rush hour basically. Taking Tropicana will only save you two dollars (assuming no traffic, bad traffic and it could cost you more) while adding about a dozen stoplights. If two dollars is a concern for you, I would check out Branson Missouri.

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! Went through DT's when you were off the radar.
snatch kisses..

Foolscap said...

Hi MrFunk, stumbled across your blog via a link on PkrDlr's blog. I have to say it was an awesome read, your sense of humor just hits home with how I view things. Keep up the great work!

G.S. said...

This moron reminds me of the doormen at clubs in nyc who assume authority over the street where their degenerated gathering place happens to be located. Like you, I do my best to give them a hard time. (If you visit my blog, look at a post called "One Thug Too Many".)

Decorina said...

I once had to mix it up with a private security fool/little dick at a hotel. The GM of the hotel had given me permission to park my truck in their lot for 2 days while I visited friends in Dallas.

They are truly idiots and have a huge hard on to throw their (usually) considerable weight around. Your story was fab - found you through Waiter Rant and I'll be back.

PlusSizeModel said...

Nice. I worked as a courier in the ATL for years and know all about the security battles and those guys thinking they have jurisdiction over a city street. Our problem is they find out who our clients are in their buildings and complain to them. You'd think the increased efficiency of a quick in and out would appeal to them, but not so much.