Monday, July 24, 2006


For some reason or another on my first day back to work they assigned me a mini-van to drive. I have no idea what happened to my regular cab while I was gone. Somebody probably wrapped it around a telephone pole or better yet it could be parked in some guys driveway at home while he let some hooker handcuff him to the bed. Either way, the mini-vans aint so bad except for the fact that they suck gas and you can't fly over the speed bumps with them. People go flying in the backseat. Although that might be sweet if you had a passenger fall asleep...I think you might literally get someone to shit their pants. That would be another first for the LVCC.

Another thing is that when people see a mini-van they think they can pile 10 people in the fucker. It's amazing the infinite lack of wisdom there is out there. The fact of the matter is that according to NRS no cab shall carry more than 5 passengers. Yes even mini vans. You cant carry more passengers than you have seatbelts. It makes sense. If it's an Exploder, they are only 4. 1 in the front, 3 in the back. The Crown Vics can carry 5,2/3. The mini-vans are also 5, 1/2/2. From a liability standpoint, if I loaded a 6pack and got in a wreck...all somebody would have to say is that they didn't have a seatbelt to put on. Cha-ching. I'd be out the job and my employer would be out a large amount of cash no matter which way it spun. Of course all that shit was out the window back when the strip clubs were paying big money. 8 was the most I ever got, 3/4/1(trunk). Now it's not anywhere near worth it. No reason to take the risk.

Late in the night I was 5th or 6th in line at the Ti, but more importantly the 1st mini-van. 6 guys walk out the front door needing a cab. On queue they immediately spot me, ignore the door-man, ignore the other cabs that have been waiting longer than me, walk over and one of them taps on my window.

Can you take us to the MGM?

There are 6 of you?


I'm sorry, I cant do it. 5 is the maximum passengers allowed, state law. You gotta get two cabs

I'll give you 20 bucks.

At this point it was obvious this guy had probably been doing this all weekend. No biggie. Im sure some cabbies would do it. But for me, if I'm going to risk losing my job, my license/permit, potentially huge fines and putting peoples lives in danger, you're going to have to do better than 20 bucks.

I'm sorry sir I cant do it. Just go up to the doorman, he'll get you two cabs and $10 a piece will get you there no problem.

I know but we all want to ride together....?

Again..I'm sorry, cant do it.

Then it was weird. It was like this guy shifted into another character almost. He sighed, kinda shrugged and then poof' he was different guy.

(reaches in his back pocket)
Alright....I just wanted to let you know that you're doing the right thing. I'm an off-duty Metro officer(shows me the badge), we all are...and like I said, you did the right thing.....But now you're going to take us!

Get in

A fun group of guys actually. They were all giving me a hard time because I was giving them one before. It was all in good fun. When we got to the MGM they all threw some money at me. It worked out good.

Now I know some of you may be First he runs from the cops,then was instrumental in the apprehension of an armed felon and now he is illegally carting around officers of the law to aide them in the squandering of their marriages and pensions in the same 12 hours.

In response to such claims I would tell you not to ask questions and then cite the first rule of Fight Club.

In all honestly I have nothing but respect for Officers of the Law. And Firefighters as well of course. (shout out to my crew at DFD!!!!)

These people don't get enough credit in my opinion.

If you disagree with that, I would suggest calling someone else when your boyfriend is beating you up because you don't listen.


Anonymous said...

Welcome back...Good to read you again.


Anonymous said...

Just ran across your blog right before you went on vacation. Hilarious stuff!! You must also be in the process of writing a screen play. Most people will not remeber the old sitcom. Take it easy.....

Andy said...

Mr. Funk, you crack me up dude. Keep em coming.

Anonymous said...

Keep up the great work!

Enjoy your stories!!

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