XXV

Somebody told me a long time ago that a person is smart, people are stupid. At the time I couldn't disagree. It made sense. However now, after two years of driving a cab and having ample amounts of one-on-one interaction with the general world wide public at large I must disagree with the above theory. There is just no way that can be true. Everyone is stupid I've determined. I can present case studies on a daily basis to prove it.

Here is one of my favorites.

I loaded a single at Ti. A middle-aged white guy going to Luxor. I could tell before he even got in that he was drunk. He appeared to be in control of himself and orderly enough so I loaded him. Because of heavy traffic on the strip I decided to take Frank Sinatra south instead of the BLVD.


Nothing notable occurred along the way. The fun didn't start until I tried to drop him off at the north door at Luxor.

Alright man, looks like $9.70 is your damage.

I could tell immediately by his reaction what was up so I locked the doors. However it took him two minutes of fucking around with his pockets before he could tell me the bad news.

Man, I don't have any money. I have some up in my room though. I'll just run up and get it.

WHAT?

I said I don't have any cash on me, I need to run up to my room.

You got into a cab without any money to pay for it is that what I'm hearing?

Yeah....as I said I can just go up to my room and come back

Really? You must think I'm an idiot. You're not going anywhere until I have some collateral.

What?

Give me your wallet and your ID, then go up to your room and get the cash and come right back.

Whatever man, I'm not leaving you my wallet.

Well then you're not leaving. I'll call metro and you can explain it to them how you're a thief.

What is your problem man? I'll come right back, trust me.

Listen, I stopped trusting people I don't know a long ass time ago. And what's my problem? MY PROBLEM IS YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME RIGHT NOW WHICH IS COSTING ME MONEY. Unfortunately for you, that isn't something I take lightly. So again, give me your wallet and ID, or I'm calling the cops. It's up to you.

I'm not leaving you that stuff man, how do I know you're not going to take off with it?

You don't. How do I know you're coming back if you don't leave that stuff? Perhaps a wise thing for you to do prior to leaving me your wallet would be to write down my cab and permit numbers, both of which are there for you, specifically for instances such as these.

Tell you what, why don't we both go up to my room then?

Are you retarded? Is this English I'm speaking? What did I just say?....The only way I'm going up to your room with you is if an officer goes with us.

He laughs at that.

What, you're afraid of me something?

This conversation is over.

Perhaps some wouldn't find it a problem to follow this guy up to his room alone, I however determined that this was a very bad idea. I have no clue what's waiting for me up there. This could have been the plan from the beginning. That said lets make something very clear. I was not afraid of this fuck. I'm certain in 100 cage matches between us I would easily win 80 of them. 95 is probably more realistic. I'm twice his size and he's drunk. That said, this isn't a cage, this is the west tower at the Luxor and I have no idea who or even worse whom I'm dealing with.

I picked up the mic.

425 to dispatch

425 go

425, I'm at the north door over at 61. I need metro to respond to my location for a failure to pay. I have requested collateral and the customer is refusing to oblige.

that's a copy 425, standby.......425 TA is in route. ETA 5 minutes.

that's a copy.

I hung the mic up.

I could have just as easily called TA with my own phone, but I've found that by stating it over the air the passenger knows that you mean business.

Alright bro, you don't want to do it the easy way, so we have to do it the hard way. Metro is in route.

Those were the last words I spoke to the guy. If cops are on the way it's best just to shut up and let them handle it. Besides they're on your side and getting this guy arrested might be the most fun you'll have in a while. One of my supervisors called me on my cell while we were waiting to see what the deal was. I told him the story and that as of this minute, myself and the situation are just fine. Hell, the fun was just about to start.

TA pulled up behind me w/ his lights on and I immediately got out of the cab and walked over to the cruiser. He gets out and I give him the short version of the story but not before apologizing for wasting his time over $10 bucks.

No worries buddy, I'm here to help you. Let me go talk to this guy and we'll see what we can figure out. You stay here.

Yes sir.

I leaned on the cruiser as the officer got my passenger out of the cab to get his side of the story. Soon thereafter the officer walks back over to me.

Ok, he says he has the cash in his room, so go park the cab and the three of us will go up there.

Yes sir.

So I convinced the valet to keep my cab up front and the three of us walked in. As we were doing so the officer was on his radio informing his dispatch to notify hotel security of the situation.

The officer and I follow loser into the hotel, at which point his drunkenness kicks in and all of a sudden "smart" guy cant find his elevator. So the officer and I are following this guy around the casino while he tries to figure out what elevator he needs. Hotel security had caught up to us, so now there was a police officer, three uniformed security guards, one undercover security guard and myself all following this guy around the casino. I had already forgotten about the 10 bucks. You couldn't buy this much entertainment for that. After a tour of the property we find the correct elevator. By this time hotel security finally figured out that we actually didn't need any assistance at all so just the three of us get in.


Loser (to officer)

I'm sorry for all the inconvenience

Officer

that's ok don't worry about it, nobody is being inconvenienced.

I actually raised my hand...

uhhh I'm being inconvenienced

The cop gave me this look that I couldn't figure out.

We get out on 15, walk all the way down to the end of the hall to realize that we need to be on 16. So we take the stairs up a flight.

We finally get to this guys door and the officer explains that he should go inside get the money and we will wait in the hallway.

Loser walks in and the door closes behind him. Not wasting anytime the officer explains the look.

Listen, I'm trying to get you paid OK? The more problems we can keep out of the situation the better for everyone and the more likely you are to get paid. That's why I said that.

Oh, I gotcha. I was wondering why you said something that's obviously not true. Sorry about that.

Now for any normal person, the time it took us to have that conversation would have been enough to run into a hotel room get $10 and run back out. However for our hero that wasn't nearly enough. 10 minutes or so pass and the guy still has not returned.

A few minutes later the officer and myself had run out of things to talk about so he knocks on the door. No answer. Then the officer starts banging loudly on the door...

Sir we need you outside. OUTSIDE NOW!

The door opens.


I noticed it right away and could not believe it.

Officer (pointing at loser)

what's that?

The look on the guys face was easily worth the thousand pennies. It got as red as a stoplight.

(wipes his nose)

Nothing

Officer

Sir step outside.

As the guy fully exits the hotel room, the door is opened wide and you can see the junk on the dresser next to the TV, in plain site.

I need you to turn around and put your hands behind your back.

The cop puts the cuffs on the guy and makes him sit down on the floor. Then he gets on his radio and starts saying all kinds of stuff I cant understand. Upon completing that he informs me that I am no longer needed unless I feel like waiting for the whole process to play itself out to get my ten bucks. I turned around and left but not before I smirked at the guy as if to say:

All you had to do is give me your ID man.

I have no idea what became his fate but I would have to say: For a smart person, this guy was pretty fucking dumb.