Monday, June 08, 2009

XLII

By the looks of the guy it was a 50/50 shot he was a flamer. Black leather pants, black leather vest, black tie complete with the black eye liner and a hint of black lip stick. The only way this guy could have been more black was if he was black. It wasn't until he got in my cab and said, "can you take me to THE Hotel?" that I knew for sure. Considering Krave is at Planet Hollywood, it's a wonder I don't pick up more gays there.

It was Memorial Day weekend and surprisingly busy on the strip so I decided to take Harmon east to Koval and take that straight to Mandalay. We didn't get very far on Harmon before he asked,

Are there any good after hours places going on right now?


I glanced at the clock reading 2:13 and had to think about it. I'd forgot all kinds of shit not thinking about work for a month, least of which are the nightly, equally poser and drug friendly post parties. That may be the best part about the cab driving gig is that it's impossible to take your job home with you. The only time I ever think about work when I'm not hacking is when somebody wants to hear a story. The answer finally came to me.

Drais at Barbary Coast is still probably the most popular now. Wait, it's Bills now. You could go to Seamless which is a strip club but it becomes an after hours club after 2. They have decent house there. Or maybe Penthouse might be better. That's kind of the same thing but they have separate rooms. Their DJ's are hit and miss though.


I said. After that it dawned on me that I was already eluding to the fact that I knew he was gay.

But they have girls there right?


Yeah anywhere you go will have girls.


Are there any guy clubs?


Gipsy is probably the best place. I think they are open till 4 or later if they keep busy.


Is it far?


Close. Just up the road here by the Hard Rock.


What about bathhouses, are there any of those?


Like, for guys?


Yeah


There is a spot over by the Hilton called the Apollo. It's pretty popular I've dropped off there many times.


We approached Koval and he contemplated his future.

Shit, just take me to that club. Gipsy you called it?


Yep.


Ok yeah, take me there. Sorry.


It's your dime.


We caught the green at Koval and went straight through it. Shortly thereafter he said

I'm not quite ready for bed ya know? But man my fiance' is going to be pissed.


You're engaged?


Yeah.


Well fuck it man. It's Vegas right?


We passed the newly revamped and sharp looking Hark Rock and made the right turn onto Paradise. We were a block short of the Gipsy club when he said

Ya know what, can you take me to THE Hotel? Sorry.


It's your dime.


I sped up and luckily caught the green at Naples as we passed Gipsy. I didn't want him to see it and change his mind again at the last instant. There was something a little off about this guy and I wasn't quite sure what it was. It might've seemed like he was drunk but this isn't my first rodeo. I know better. I was certain he was on something but couldn't figure what it was. Maybe he was ADD or it's possible that he was simply a dumb shit. This had occurred to me. At least he didn't mean any harm.

We made the right hand turn onto Tropicana and he began telling me about his life in Chicago and that of the wonderful world of advertising. Not a thing about it was interesting if you want the truth. The only thing that I found interesting up to this point was a certain comment about a fiance'. A few minutes passed and we made the left turn onto Koval and crept through the 25MPH zone and those big S-curves. That mile stretch of road is a haven for motorcycle cops. If you get a ticket there you are either a rookie, a tourist or retarded. Everytime I go through there I think about the time when I was loaded, east bound on Reno going to the Desert Rose there on Duke Ellington. As soon as I rounded the bend that day I seen the bike cop parked behind the Desert Rose sign. It didn't matter because I had it right at 25 when I came around the corner. After I dropped of my passengers I followed the driveway and pulled up to where the officer was parked and said "Yeah I seen you there sir". He looked at me and said "congratulations". I thought it was hilarious. An old friend of mine says a sarcastic well placed congratulations from time to time that always cracks me up. We were 100ft from crossing over the BLVD when my rainbow passenger said

How far is Gipsy?


We passed it already.


I sighed.

Five minutes ago. It's back by the Hard Rock like I said.


And what about the bathhouse? Where is it?


I told you, it's over by the Hilton.


Ok. Take me there.


To the bathhouse?


Yeah. Sorry.


It's your dime man.


We made a U-turn and started back through the S-curves again. Fuck it I finally thought. Glad that this idiot extended his ride and knowing there was no way he was going to be offended, I finally caved

Say, can I ask you a question?


Ok


You said you're engaged right? Is your fiance' a guy or a girl?


She's a girl.


Really? So she knows whats up or how does that work?


She knows whats up. But she wouldn't like me out here fooling around right now that's for sure. She's cool though, we have a good time. I just suck her dick and she just sucks my mine. That's all we do. But she's really good at it. I'm pretty fucking good at it too.


Right on.


This man just dropped some dope lyrics and told me that he likes to suck his girlfriends dick, and a "right on" was all I had. I was trying not to laugh. Right on bro, high five. I challenge anyone to come up with a workable retort to this*. It's impossible. Northbound on Koval we passed Flamingo and Winnick nearing our right turn onto Sands.

Have you ever been to Gipsy?


He said.

Nah. Not my scene ya know?


You've never been? Never once?


I realized what was really being asked.

Nope. Definitely not my thing. I'm an easy going guy, and I don't judge whatever whomever's deal is, I'm just on the other side of the fence.


We've already made our left turn onto Paradise, well on our way to Karen and I found my easy going bit in trouble because the next 3 minutes the gay spent explaining how good of a dick his "girlfriend" sucked. Then the fourth minute was consumed by how good of a dick he sucked. Enthralling, really. So much that I won't even try and replicate it here. It wasn't long before we were in front on the Hilton stuck at a red light at Riviera Drive and he said

How far is Gipsy?


He said it in a manner that made me believe this was the first time he had the idea.

I've told you man. Twice. And, we passed it, once. It's right by the Hard Cock. About 3 miles south of here. On this very road behind you.


Ok. Take me there. Sorry.


Are you serious chief?


I get nervous going to those bathhouses. You never know what you're going to get. I always get stuck with some weirdo in those places.


Yeah...I know what you mean.


Do you want me to sit up front and keep you company?


What? No! I'm straight, I told you.


Obviously his sarcasm meter was broken.

Yeah but I could just take care of you. I'd love to suck your dick. I'll bet your lady doesn't do a very good job does she? No she doesn't. You probably have a big one too don't you? ....you'd never know.


I wouldn't know that a dude sucking my dick? I'm pretty sure I would know. That's the kind of thing you know. Why don't you just drop it and I'll pretend that you never said that ok?


I made my second U-turn on this ride and glanced at a meter reading of $26.70. I started to wonder if the guy had any money and unfortunately our forgetful friend didn't get the hint

You should pull over in this parking lot here and I would totally suck you off. ...You'd never know.


I'm still not sure about the easy going bit but I was through playing nice. I hit the breaks and pulled over.

That's enough of this shit ok? You mention this shit again and we're done. Now make up your fucking mind where you're going. You've got four choices. Are you ready? You can go to THE Hotel,the destination I actually wrote on my trip sheet. You can go to Gipsy. You can go to Apollo or you can get the fuck out. ...So which is it?


I said looking to the backseat.

Jeeeez homophobe what's your problem?


I'm straight dumbass so get a clue or get out.


Fine take me to my Hotel.


Ok. Give me 40 bucks.


WHAT? Why the meter only says 28 dollars?


You're not very bright are you? Look around. Are we at THE Hotel?


He thought about it for a short while. Faced with the prospect of walking from a place he'd consider to be the middle of nowhere, he reluctantly forked over two twenties. The remainder of the ride was spent in silence, making the long red lights on the empty streets awkward. I thought about what happened but it was only one of many things that remind me that I'm not in danger of getting bored with this job anytime soon. There is always a ride there to give me money, always a friend there to give me a tale and always a wacko there to remind me that I'm alive. Always a wacko. Who's cab do they think they are in anyway? I guess they'll never know.



*Seriously. Email me or leave a comment if you'd have something worthwhile to say to this.

11 comments:

Christina LMT said...

Heh. You wrote "Hard Cock" instead of "Hard Rock"...intentional or Freudian slip?

I laughed and laughed at your story, thanks for writing and I'm glad you're back.

HighOnPoker said...

I'm glad you are back. Congrats on the Bodog ad rev.

Josh said...

BAHAHAHA. Awesome. Good to see you posting again.

G.S. said...

How about, "Well, dickity-doo-dah-day, man". Would that have worked?

Glad to see you're back, Funk.

Anonymous said...

We're glad to see you back too!

Always great to read your writings.

Anonymous said...

phew welcome back..

dats the bloody in your face, sarcastic, take it or leave it attitude/stories i so fondly appreciate and keeps me coming back...

and not in gay way.. LOL..

Anonymous said...

I'm writting to all readers.. and mr funkmd

open a paypal account so we can donate towards your gambling fund or whatever.. pokerstars/fulltilt acc or what ever..

You definitely deserve my money for all the laughs and stories I enjoyed here. we can also keep this site ad free

OBAT KANKER said...

hi

Anonymous said...

Glad to have the stories coming again!

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