What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unless if it's some type of parasite.

I picked up these four younger guys at Hooters HC tonight, going to Caesars. Spring breakers most likely.

They told me an interesting story along the way...

Apparently they were a man down. They came out to Vegas and there was five of them. The fifth one was not with them when I picked um up because he was still passed out in the room from last night.

The five of them were in town just to party and cruise for chicks. Just like everybody else I suppose. However last night the four guys in my cab all struck out and the only one of them that was able to convince a chick to go up to their room was the fifth guy. Unfortunately for the fifth guy, he passed out in the room before he was able to get anywhere with the girl.

A little while thereafter my four guys made their way back to the room (thinking they would be done). The walked in to find their friend passed out face down on one of the beds and the chick laying on the other bed, drinking from their stash and watching the tube. Kickin it. She informed them that their boy passed out shortly after they got to the room, before they even fooled around....so she decided just waited there hoping the four of them would show up.

So all four of my guys took turns on this chick. Every way possible. As a joke at one point they even fucked her on the same bed right next to the passed out guy.

When I got caught up with the situation they were debating on should they tell the fifth guy or not. I said fuck yeah! It's not like thats his girlfriend or something. If it were me and you guys told me that story I would start high fiving fools. I mean ...That's fuckin awesome. But they, knowing their friend were all kinda thinking that it might be a better idea to never mention it. I guess they thought he was the uptight type that might have a problem with something like that. So I said:

...well don't tell him then. But if you don't want him to know, you cant tell anyone..Because that's such a story that it will get around....Besides, what happens here stays here. Everyone knows that.

One of them replied:

Hopefully the crabs we all got last night stay here too

My strange policy for smoking in the cab

I only bring it up because this came up tonight.

Im a non-smoker. Always have been.

My Freshman year of HS I smoked for the first and only time. A Marlboro Red no less. I felt so cool, I smoked three more of them. Then I puked for the next 15 minutes or so. Ever since then, even if I take one drag I get that same feeling in my stomach. For the most part all of my friends seemed to be smokers my whole life and I got used to second hand smoke so it doesn't bother me now. However I have always hated people that are inconsiderate fucks and just light up w/o asking the people around them (esp. if you're inside, or better yet my cab) if it would be OK.

Basically I cant stand inconsiderate people in general so any time I have a chance to give someone like that a hard time I usually jump on it. So the policy is as follows:

-If you ask me if it's alright to smoke in the cab, I will pleasantly allow it. At that time I would also request that you crack the window.

-If you don't ask me if it's alright and just light up or bring a lit cigarette in the cab when I load you I'll make you put it out.

-If you bring a cigar in the cab or light one w/o asking I'll probably just throw you out of the cab altogether.

Simple as that.

Some of these guys post these big signs in their cabs telling people not to smoke. I would rather find out if you're a jerkoff or not.

XVII

It was about 6 in the morning and it was dead so I found myself cruising the strip looking for a flag. Save Sunday mornings the hours of 5-7am are usually the slowest of the day. Just south of MGM I drove by three college aged guys all of which were carrying a yard margarita that apparently require straws measuring a yard and a half. Two of them are frantically waiving me down. These are my guys for sure.

I pull over and all three of them get in the back. As soon as they got in it was pretty obvious what these three had been partying pretty hard all night. And I dont mean drinking all night about ready to puke party, I mean bright eyed, bushy tailed and having way to much energy at 6am party.

What's goin on guys? Where we heading?

Apparently they had time to figure out exactly where they were going while waiting for a cab because one of them immedietly came back with:

We need to go to a TOYS "R" US...Is there a TOYS "R" US near here?

....Not to far but Im sure they are not open yet. They probably dont open until 9 at the earliest. Probably 10.

They were a little bumbed I gathered and after talking amongst themselves for a second:

Thats ok man, just take us to our hotel then.

..and which hotel might that be?

Oh sorry. The Flamingo.

Now, I dont know why I let that slide right away but we didnt get 100ft before I asked:

Hey- Can I ask you guys a question?

Sure

What do three party animals such as yourselves need to get at TOYS "R" US at 6 in the morning?

A Basketball. We really feel like playing some hoops right now.

Right. That makes sense.

Remember kids, say no to drugs.

We all kinda had a laugh about it and a minute later it dawned on me:

Well, if all you needed was a basketball Im sure Walmart has them. They're open.

After all I needed to salvage this ride, these guys were going less than a mile to the Flamingo.

So they loved that idea. All of a sudden I'm the coolest cab driver in the world because I knew that Walmart was open.

We cruised to the Walmart on Tropicana & Pecos. Along the way they were asking if I knew somewhere they could play nearby. I told them I could take them up the University, which is on the way back to the strip anyway and having gone to school there I knew that there is a perfect spot on campus.

We get to Walmart and I drop them off at the front door.

Hey you guys might want to leave the margaritas here

Nah...they wont care

So I waited outside for about ten minutes with the meter running. Then the three of them walked out carrying a basketball, a football, three yard margaritas and three yard and a half margarita straws. Nice.

As we were are on the way to campus I think it dawned on them that they only had three guys and none of them seemed down to play HORSE or 21, so the subject turned to them trying to talk me into parking the cab and playing ball with them for an hour or so. I resisted. After all im out here working. Trying to earn a living, not box-out some cokeheads.

C'mon man....we will pay you. ....you leave the meter on and we'll pay you whatever that is plus fifty bucks.

Fuckin A, not a bad deal, but I countered:

I have a better idea, why dont you just give me a 100 bucks right now, Ill turn the meter off altogether, we'll play for an hour and then Ill take you home.

I felt like a hooker.

They agreed. After all it's basically costing them the same. Plus this way, there is no confusion later, if you know what I mean.

So we get to the courts on campus and the three amigos made sure to put their margaritas under a tree...in the shade. I think because I was the big tall guy (6'3" 300) they paired me with the short skinny guy (~5'6" 160). I thought before about just dishing the rock a lot and shinning glass...ya know, just let the other guy take most of the shots and stuff. But considering my teamate I realized I might have to go Shaq-Fu and just take the game over myself. After all, I played some ball back in the day.

It didnt take long after we started playing for me to realize that was exactly what I was going to have to do. My guy had no skillz whatsoever, lost the dribble the first three times he had it and his defense looked something like the Macarenna. Perhaps that was the margarita.

We lost the first game by a large margin. In between games I told my boy just to pass the ball to me in the post, and stay in the lane on defense and make them hit shots. ...and that seemed to work. We won the second game. My size was too much for those guys under the basket and my boy actually was making some shots. So our inside>outside game was all of a sudden, working brilliantly.

After the second game our oppenents devised a plan to simply hack the shit out of me. The first couple times I just called foul and let it go. After all, they gave me a hundo to play basketball with them. They got more intense with it after that and I decided I was going to back off before It escalated. So I just took jumpers the rest of the time and my boy tried taking it to the rack just about every time he had it making me laugh in the process. We lost the last three games.


I took them back to the Flamingo and then went home and showered.


I'd have to say this was one of my more interesting rides. I mean you cant make this shit up.

Had Gary Kubiak in the cab tonight

You may know him as the longtime Denver Broncos Offensive coordinator who was recently hired as the Head Coach of the Houston Texans. I consider myself a football fan but not that big of a fan I guess because I cant say that I recognized him when I first picked him up.

I loaded at 16 and I got out as usual to help with luggage. As I was walking around he jumped in and threw his bag in the back seat. I only seen the top of his head. It actually (at that moment) reminded me of that repetitive scene in "home improvement" with the neighbor guy whose face you only half see all the time.

He gave a destination of the Bellagio. Really nice guy. Before it became apparent to me who was sitting in my backseat, through the conversation he informed me that he was in town meeting his family (wife and 3 older boys) whom he hadn't seen "in two months". I asked him where he was from and he said he had been in Denver for the last 20 years but he just moved to Houston for work. I still had no clue. (smacks forehead) He asked me about which shows to check out and other standard Vegas info stuff, but it was obvious he'd been to town before so he was asking good questions. I remembered thinking when he told me that it had been months since he'd seen his family and that he must travel a lot for work. So I asked him that and he replied with no. So then I couldn't figure out why a guy who doesn't travel not see his family for 2 months so I asked him what he did. He told me:

Im a football coach.

For a college team?

(Smacks forehead...harder this time) I also remember thinking at that point that maybe it was a arena league or something.

no, professional...Im the head coach for the Houston Texans..

..and he kinda mumbled the last part so I repeated it (like a dumb fuck) and he confirmed it.

So now of course it goes from him drilling me for info to me having a thousand questions for him.

But alas I only had time to get a couple of them off. After congratulating him on the new gig the very next thing out of my mouth:

So, are you guys gonna trade down or what?

Which is something I've been on record as saying they should do...

He laughed about that...prolly hearing that one a lot lately. I think before he could even answer I followed up with the how it worked out pretty good for San Diego example as a reason for them doing it and he came back with the fact that Mike Vick was in HUGE demand in that draft. That guy was wanted by lots of teams some of which had some good stuff to trade with. ...and that no longer appeared to be the case in this draft, if it ever was at all. Im sure at this point he had his notepad out.

I didn't say this, but the truth is the Texans need help in all sorts of areas.

And with that we were already at the Bellagio. He hands me 30 bucks for a ride costing half as much. A very nice tip. He then extended his hand.

Im Gary

It was great to meet you Coach and good luck this year!

Business cards

I got my new business cards in today. I had to have the old one redone because I wanted to put the blog address on it. I was glad to have a chance to redo them though because although I thought the first one was funny, I don't think anybody else ever got it. I removed my number from the image files for the purpose of posting them here. Lord knows I don't want any of you crazies calling me.

Old one:


I cant take credit for the phrase on the second one....I overheard a driver say something along these lines a while back and thought it was funny.

New one:




*...and I'd like to thank everyone at Phlamingo Design in Montpelier, VT. for their charitable and outstanding efforts once again.