XXI

I was getting late Friday night and I had cleared at the Circus Circus back door. There is never anything going on there after midnight so I cruised two blocks to find the Crazy Horse II wide. I only waited a couple minutes before a white guy mid 30's walked out. It was pretty obvious the guy had been drinking as soon as he got in. He gave a destination of "the Beach"

The Beach is just a couple of miles away over on convention center. Traffic was starting to lighten up so I was there in no time. As we are approaching the light in front of the Beach I hear my passenger snoring in the backseat.

This use to annoy me but now I think waking them up is half the fun....

We're almost here man...wakeup.

nothing

HEY bro...wake up!

Nothing again.

Now for my favorite part....I hit the brakes very sharply and quickly and at the same time yell loudly:

OH SHIT!!!

...all the while keeping my eye in the mirror so I can watch his reaction. Its priceless everytime. Guaranteed. This guy was no different, he delivered the goods. I on the other hand was shitting my pants for another reason.

We pull up to the drop-off at the Beach. There is a big line waiting to get in the club. Meter reads $6.95.

It takes him a good two minutes to negotiate his wallet from his pocket.

Do you have change for $100?

You owe me 7 bucks man...you don't have anything smaller?

If there is anything that pisses me off more than only have credit on you, it's only having hundreds. I had been working for a good ten hours at this point and could have broken a $100 easily. However the answer to that question is always no. Besides the obvious reasons, there are others as well:

1) I just picked you up at a strip club, they are in the business of breaking $100's
2) It's stated clearly on the cab that the driver only carries $5 in change
3) Don't you think that might have been a good question to ask me...I don't know, before I got you where you were going?

There are more, but you get the idea.

I can probably get you $80 for it, otherwise we're gonna have to find a gas station to break it.

You cant break a hundred?

No sir, I might have 80 I can give you for it.

How close is a gas station?

not far

Ok, lets go break it.

Fine by me, it's you're dime man.

So we leave the Beach' property and drive a mile or so south to the closest gas station. As we're pulling in it was clear that this guy was annoyed (that makes two of us) and I feared he was going to try and ditch so I locked the doors and made him give me his ID before I let him out to go inside.

He walked inside and I noticed these two hookers were doing a pole dance on a light post by the street. Providing more than enough free entertainment for me while I was waiting. A few minutes later my guy returns.

Are we good to go?

yeah

I gave him his ID back and proceeded back to the Beach.

We arrive again at the Beach drop-off area and I turn the time off. It seemed like the line is longer. Meter is now $13.45. He hands me a ten and a five. I pocket the cash and fill out the remainder of my trip sheet.

This is usually the time when people exit the cab but this guy was drunk. But, not drunk enough to the point where he doesn't realize that he needs to check 50 times to make sure he has his wallet, his phone and whatnot. It seemed like it was taking this guy forever. I finally turn my head around to see what the problem was as I did so he was finally exiting the cab. He stands up and checks his pockets again for his wallet and his other shit.

Then out of the corner of my eye I notice a package of hot-dogs sitting on the seat. Not like a hot-dog for a snack, but a package of 8 Oscar Mayers. Seemingly at the same time I noticed the hot-dogs, he notices that he forgot them. So he reaches back in the cab and grabs the hot-dogs. As he was walking towards the back of the line I see him put the hot-dogs in his back pocket of his jeans. Barely fitting them in.

Not to disgruntled of a drunk when all was said and done, but I couldn't help but think that I might have gotten a bigger tip if I had some condiments in the cab.

XX

The Venetian was packed with at least a 100 people in line and no cabs in site. I pulled in empty so I drove right up to the loading area. The doorman, opens the door and two girls get in. The first a really hot Asian girl and then a equally smoking blond followed her into the backseat. They give a destination of the Gold Coast.

Not to interrupt but now is as good a time as any to profess my love for hot Asian girls....

As the Asian is crawling across the seat she asks:

Do you take credit cards?

Jesus H Christ, don't people carry cash anymore in Vegas? I cant say I've ever seen someone put a black AMEX on the pass line before.

They are now both in the cab, doors are shut and I haven't moved the cab an inch.

No...We don't take credit, cash only. Perhaps you should run inside and use the ATM and then you can grab another cab.

that's ok, I have cash, can you take us to the Gold Coast?

It was obvious she didn't want to wait in that line again.

You have cash?

yeah

...well, can you show me some of it?

what?

The cash. You're going to have to show me at least 10 bucks before I'm taking you anywhere.

I'm offended by that. I don't have to show you anything.

Actually you do, or you can protect your precious ego back in the cab line if you'd like. It's your call.

Blondy jumps in:

You're an asshole

You're right, I am. ESPECIALLY TO PEOPLE WHO ARE WASTING MY FUCKING TIME!

Now there is another cab behind me, laying on his horn, because he wants to pick up too. But he cant until I move.

Blondy:

I don't see what the big deal is. Cabs in LA accept credit.

Really? I'll make you a deal then. You give me a thousand dollar deposit and I'll take you to LA. I'm sure you could find a cabbie there that would be more than happy to take you to the Gold Coast.

Three or four cabs honking at me now in addition to the looks I'm getting from the door guy and people in line.

Blondy:

What the fuck is your problem?

I believe I've already answered that question.

Apparently it took them this long to discover that I wasn't kidding and she grabs a twenty and holds it up.

Look,I have cash just take us to the Gold Coast ok?

See...that wasn't so hard was it?

Very well, seatbelts please.

And we pull away.

I'd given up any hope for any meaningful dialog with the ladies after that exchange so I shut up and just focused on their conversation.

It started out about how they should get my cab number and call my company to complain. ....Always one of my favs. Like they'd give a shit. It's their money I'm trying to collect. Then about how its ridiculous that we cant take credit cards. Then about how the cabbies in LA are so much cooler than cabbies in Vegas. Then blondy gets a cell phone call and she goes on to tell whoever that was about how big of an ass I am.

...yeah we're in a cab on the way there...our driver is a real asshole, hopefully he doesn't take us out in the desert and kill us

...The Asian girl laughs at that comment.

We're on Flamingo WB now approaching I-15.

blonde's phone call is complete and their conversation goes back to me....

Blondy:

hey remember the cabbie we had earlier today?

Asian:

yeah, that guy was cool.

yeah, that's just what I was gonna say. I cant say much for this fuck though....

It was fun while it lasted but I'd had enough.

Do you have something to say to me? Because I'm right here.

Blondy:

No, I think we've established that we're through talking to you.

I hit the brakes harder than I needed to, pulled over and turned on my four-ways.

You know what? You're right! You are through talking to me and now you can get the fuck out of my cab.

Asian: (not wanting to be ditched on a freeway overpass with six lanes of traffic in skirts and heels)

Look, we're sorry. Don't listen to her. I know you're just doing your job.

(Insert buzzer sound from Family Feud) Sorry missy, the "sorry" ship has sailed and you weren't on it.

There is a line of cars stuck behind me now, all of which are honking. How ironic.

I turned around and looked them both in the eye.

Remove yourselves from my cab or I will do it for you.

It was obvious I wasn't kidding so they obliged. But not before blondy could add some nice parting words.

So that ride cost me 7 bucks, but it might have been worth it just to see them walk away. Damn that Asian girl had a nice ass.

Today I was instrumental in apprehending a robbery suspect

I was on the west side of town mid-shift, out of gas and hungry.

I went down to this gas station that I know to get some petro and some take-out cheeseburgers that they have there that are the fuck.

I walked in placed my order, and gave the guy 2 20's to prepay for some gas. I walk back out to the pumps and begin fueling. I only got to 4 bucks...What is that a half a gallon these days?.....When a guy comes running out of the bar next door.....

WHERE DID HE GO? DID YOU SEE SOMEBODY JUST RUN OUT OF HERE??? WHICH WAY DID HE GO?

I donno man. I just got here(pointed at the small gas amount)I didn't see anybody

HOW DID YOU NOT SEE HIM, HE JUST RAN OUT OF HERE A SECOND AGO?

I'm tellin ya, I didn't see anybody running any....

I got mid-sentence and then I seen a Chevy pickup pull out from behind the building....I pointed at him.

Is that the guy?

As soon as I pointed at the guy, he peeled out of the lot like a bat out of hell......I had already gathered that this was the bartender I was talking to and I figured he just got robbed or something.


Now if jerkoff in the Chevy had just left the scene quietly he might have gotten away with it, but considering running is a surefire sign of guilt, I took off on foot to try and get the plate #. I run out into the street to get behind him as he was running a red light. I was able to get the plate number in time.

I run back to the cab and write the number down along w/ description.

I guess they had already called the cops because no sooner than I had the info to paper metro cruises by and we're waiving him in. Not knowing the difference he pulled right up to me...

Officer, suspect is in a late 90's Chevy pick-up 2500 or 3500. Two tone, Light brown/dark brown. Plate #XXX-XXX. Last seen heading EB on Westcliff about 2 minutes ago.

The officer got right on the radio with info...Which was quality info if I do say so myself. Cabbie training I guess.

Officer:

description of the suspect?

I didn't get a good look at the guy. He was white, mid 30's...I'm sure these guys can give you a better description, they're the bartenders

Who are you?

I'm just a guy pumping gas..trying to help out

The cop was pissed about that for some reason. (that I wasn't the guy who got robbed) Like that invalidated all the info I just gave him.

No sooner than cop debriefs the two bartenders, coppers radio lights up and he goes on to explain that they caught the guy.

Right the fuck on.

A while later after filling out witness reports and other BS more metros show up, one of which has the guy in the backseat. The wanted us to ID the guy. I refused, b/c I didn't get a good enough look at the guy himself. But I said I could positively ID the truck if needbe. didn't matter, the bartenders both ID'd the guy, and they had the whole thing on tape anyway.

Looks like I might have to show up in court though.

Cheeseburgers were good as usual, albeit cold.