Thursday, February 03, 2011

He Caught the Katy

It was clear the couple was feuding long before they got into my taxi. The whistle blew and I pulled up to the loading area at the Rio where the younger couple, a white man and a attractive Korean girl, where showing all of the signs of having a rough go of things. Naturally, there is a lot you can pick up on even without hearing a single word of the conversation. I came to a stop and the doorman opened the door to my backseat and informed me that the couple needed to go to the M Resort. The young duo climbed into my cab still yelling at each other.

“Fuck you Scott ok? Fuck you! Do you understand me Scott?” the girl said. “Why do you always have to do that shit huh? I can’t believe you!”

“What is your problem? I don’t understand why you’re acting like this,” Scott replied.

“You’re so fucking dumb Scott seriously. I’m through with you.”

“Oh we’re done because I’m trying to look out for you? You’re acting like a crazy person and I’m just supposed ignore you? Just supposed to let you be crazy? I was worried about you ok?”

“So you call my fucking brother? Why did you call my brother Scott? What business do you have calling my brother and telling him about me?”

“I didn’t call him to tell him about you, I called him to see if he knew where you were. You disappeared and I was worried about you. I’m sorry baby.”

“Don’t fucking call me baby or honey or any of that shit do you understand me? If you call me that shit again I’m going to hit you,” the girl said.

We hadn’t even made our way off of Rio property yet and I thought to myself that considering it was going to take 15 minutes to get the to the M Resort, a casino outpost located at the southern edge of the valley, this would undoubtedly get more interesting before it got less. I decided to shut up and let things happen. I heard another cabbie say once that anytime he picked up a couple and they weren’t talking to each other, the silent treatment, he took that as a sign that they wouldn’t be interested in talking to him either so he refrained from any attempts at small talk. Wise words I think and I have since employed the philosophy. But I believe the same is true if they are engaged in a more proactive argument. If a couple is quarrelling in your backseat it stands to reason they won’t be interested in chatting about the weather with a hired stranger. The light turned green to head east onto Flamingo towards the freeway, Scott pulled out his phone and started punching buttons.

“What are you doing Scott?”

“I asked you a question Scott. What are you doing? Scott you’d better not be texting my brother.”

“I just want to let him know that I found you and that you are alright and everything is fine,” Scott said.

“Are you fucking stupid Scott? What did I just tell you? Scott put your fucking phone away right now I’m warning you.”

“Oh you’re warning me now?” Scott said still thumping away at his phone.

And that was when I heard the loudest and most pristine smack that I have ever heard. It was perfect. I don’t know how she was able to pull it off so splendidly at the angle she was sitting, but it was a good one. I mean think about it, sitting on a bench to someone’s left is not the best position to smack them in the face. Especially if you’re right handed. Maybe she was a lefty.

“Yeah that’s real mature Katy,” Scott’s said, putting the phone away.

“I don’t care what you say. I told you not to do that. So do you want to try again?”

“What is wrong with you Katy? Seriously. I’m trying to watch out for you and this is how you’re behaving. Real mature.”

“Oh you’re trying to watch out for me? Really? You’re just being a douche that’s all you are trying to do. Scott’s a douche! I’m so done with you, I can’t believe I ever liked you.”

“Listen to you. You’re the most insane person I have ever seen. I can’t even talk to you.”

“I don’t want to talk to you Scott! Don’t you understand that?”

“And yet, here you are talking to me. Imagine that.”

“Fuck you Scott,” Katy said after a brief silence.

“And you’re going to be sleeping in my bed tonight too aren’t you?” Scott said.

“Scott you are the biggest douche I have ever met.”

We passed under the Blue Diamond Rd. over pass and the two of them continued at it. I tried my best not to laugh every time she said douche. Something about that word is way funnier when a girl says it. Scott continued to pry about where she was going to stay that night.

“Where are you sleeping tonight Katy? Where do crazy people stay in Las Vegas sir?” He addressed to me but I didn’t say anything. I considered answering with, “At the M apparently,” but thought better of it. This fire was going to grow just fine without throwing gasoline on it.

“You didn’t answer my question Katy, where are you staying tonight? If you’re going to act like this I don’t want you in my room.”

And with that she wound up and smacked him again right on the side of his face. I seen it this time in the rear view and again it was the cleanest and loudest smack you will ever hear. She was a righty after all. Perhaps the confined area of the taxi served to exemplify the smacking noise. I don’t know. Either way, Katy was perfect on all three score cards so far, and Scott didn’t seem the least bit interested in doing anything about it.

“Real mature Katy,” again was his only reply.

“Fuck you Scott. Look at you, that’s how dumb you are. You think I actually want to stay with you tonight. Don’t worry about where I’m fucking staying tonight. You don’t get to know what I’m doing anymore. I’m going to get my bag and leave you forever. Don’t worry about it.”

Katy wound up once again and this time throwing the first swing that didn’t connect. Her misfire sounded like it landed on the backrest but I’m not certain. Maybe it was a body shot and I was just used to the crispness of the open handed overhand right. It’s hard to say, I was trying to keep my eyes on the road and remember bits of dialog for use in a future blog entry.

“That’s real mature Katy. It used to just be 3 year olds that hit people when they are mad but now everyone is doing it.”

It’s a difficult situation for any guy with your lady decides to strike you. As a man, you know when you deserve it. And if you do deserve it, I’d suggest taking it like a man and hoping she forgives you at some point or another. And then of course, don’t fuck up again like you did the last time. However if you’re not really deserving of a slap in the face, gauging a proper reaction is not the easiest thing to do for a guy. It would be all too easy for a man to assert his physical dominance into the equation and put a stop to things immediately. I’m not saying you strike back, but there should be some way to make her understand that she is, in fact, playing with fire. For some women, such as our illustrious Katy, this is the only language she will respect in all likelihood. If on other hand you decided to call the cops and report the assault, with hopes of avoiding the same problem in the future, there is little doubt that this crazy bitch will spin the story that you hit her. Plus you’re kind of a pussy. It’s really a lose-lose. In Scott’s case it was clear he was something of a snide pussy and of course Katy knows this as well as anybody which is why she is playing the bully. She knows that he’s not going to do anything about it. This has probably happened before I figured, but to disrespect your man in front of strangers is another beast altogether. I didn’t know how much longer to keep my mouth shut.

“That’s real mature Katy, that’s real mature Katy,” Katy said in a condescending tone. “Like you’re Mr. Maturity over here.”

“Sir, who do you think is more mature, me or my girlfriend here?” Scott asked me.

“What the fuck are you talking about Scott? You are so fucking stupid it’s unbelievable,” Katy responded before I even had a chance, not that I was going to touch it anyway.

“What the fuck are you talking about Scott? You are so fucking stupid it’s unbelievable,” Scott replied in his best impression of his crazy, soon to be, ex-girlfriend. And a moment later she wound up and smacked him again, clean right on his face and I had had enough. If Scott wasn’t going to handle his business I guess I was going to have to do it for him. I channeled my father when my brothers and I were younger and acting up on the family road trips and braked hard and quickly pulled the cab over to the shoulder of the highway.

“Alright I’ve had enough of this shit. Katy you keep your fucking hands to yourself or you’re going to be dealing with me and you don’t want that I promise you. Just sit there and shut the fuck up and you’d better not hit him or anybody again. Do you understand me? I shouted.

“Of course the man sides with the man, of course you would do that wouldn’t you?” Katy immediately shot back.

“I’m not on anybodies fucking side ok? If this was the other way around I would have put a stop to this shit a long fucking time ago believe me. I don’t care what your issues are but when you’re in my cab you’re not acting like this. So just shut up and keep your hands to yourself,” I said while I was half turned around and staring at her. I continued to stare while she sat in silence until her body language finally informed me of her concession. My eyes convinced her that, in my case, she was indeed playing with fire so she backed off. She doesn’t know me, doesn’t know what I’m capable of, plus I’m three times her size. She’d have to be an absolute moron to test me. The eyes are everything, as they are the proof of your testament.

“Thank you sir,” Scott said, “I apologize about my crazy girlfriend.” I sensed the snide and sarcasm still looming in Scott’s tone. He thinks I’m on his side now and he can do or say whatever he wants.

"That’s enough out of you too. Same goes for you, you’re just egging her on so the both of you just shut up. Deal with your issues after you get out of my cab.”

It was the first time I had ever involuntarily intervened into a lovers quarrel. I wouldn’t say it’s something that I aim to do, ever, but I believe in this case it was warranted. It was really uncomfortable in there. The three of us sat in total silence the remaining minutes of the ride. I concentrated on my windshield while the two ex-lovers blank stared out of their respective windows, neither of which wishing to bet against my resolve. To say the cab business has hardened me would be an understatement. Now I can stand up to 100lb Asian girls.

We entered the M Resort property and we made our way along the driveway towards the main drop-off area. Nearing the front door we passed by an empty cab staging area and it appeared that the three ladies standing just outside the main lobby may be in need of a taxi. I pulled up right alongside where the ladies where standing hoping that I would be able to score another ride right away, a near miracle occurrence way out in the boonies like we were at a time like this.

The instant we came to a stop Katy opened her door and as soon as she was a few feet away she started screaming at me and anyone else who would listen. I was not surprised.

“Fuck you cab driver you’re just a fucking douche too. You think you’re all tough and gonna beat me up, fuck you mother fucker I’ll do whatever I want too. Don’t ride in this fucking cab, the driver is a douche!” she said walking right past my next potential customers who looked half scared and half considering how bad they really needed a taxi after all.

“It’s $33.70,” I said to Scott who was still sitting in the backseat. He began counting out his cash and then handed me 34 dollars. “I’m sorry all I have is 34 bucks,” Scott said.

“Get the fuck out of here, are you serious?”

“Yeah man. I know I should leave you a tip. Why don’t you give me your number or something and I’ll make it up to you later I promise,” he said.

“You fucking bring me all the way out here to the middle of nowhere, I save you from the wrath of your psycho girlfriend and you can’t even throw a brother a couple of dollars?”

“I know. I’m sorry that’s all the money I have.”

“All you have is exactly $34?” I said.


“Bullshit man. Good thing you’re ride is $34.70 huh?”

“Give me your card I will make it up to I promise.”

“Yeah right dude,” I said handing him one of my cards knowing, it was an exercise in futility.

Scott got out of my taxi and began his walk of shame towards the front door of the hotel while all three ladies stared at him. Katy was long gone. I climbed out of the cab as well for damage control and to see if I could score some more business. The three ladies stood in silence alongside a doorman, all four of them just looking at me wondering what to do next.

“Did you guys need a cab?” I asked.

“Yes. Is everything alright?” the bold one in the group finally spoke.

“Yeah yeah everything is fine. Don’t let that girl scare you, I’m one of the good guys I promise,” I said.

“What was her problem?”

“That girl is what happens when you mix a little bit drunk and a lot crazy together.”

“Yeah, she seemed a bit unstable,” the middle aged blond lady said in the understatement of the night. “Do you know where the Sierra Gold on Warm Springs and Stephanie is?”

“Yes Ma’am" I said, "hop on in.”

“What’s the best way to get there?” she said testing me.

“From here? I’d say St. Rose to Pecos and jump on the Beltway down to Stephanie, make a left.”

“That’s right,” the leader of the pack said. “C’mon girls let’s go.”

The three ladies piled into my taxi and in short time we were headed north on St. Rose Parkway towards Henderson in what was about to be a total departure from my previous fifteen minutes. There was no question. The distant lights of the Las Vegas strip sparkled out my window to the left while my three passengers shared stories of their gambling losses. In no time the conversation returned to Katy’s antics and after they inquired I gave them the long and short of it. After hearing the whole story they all seemed to agree that I did the right thing by staying out of it, and chose the right time to put a stop to the madness. I was glad that they gave me the benefit of the doubt. Nobody does that anymore.

“You’re not going to pull over and spank us are you cabbie?” the leader asked.

“Only if you deserve it,” I said.

“What if I want it?“ she said with a chuckle.

"Well in that case just say the word darlin'"

“You must see it all don’t you?”

“You could say that.” I replied.

You could say that I’ve seen it all and then some. But I like my job, and I like meeting people of all walks of life and people like Scott & Katy certainly have their niche in this strange world of ours. But I’m not picky mind you. I don’t ask for too much, only a reasonable standard of taxicab patronage, as I like to call it. All you have to do is not be a total nut job, don’t puke in my cab, have money to pay me and maybe even a few extra dollars to throw a brother for his efforts. It’s not rocket science and these three should fit that bill just fine.

Back to work.


Notorono said...

Great post, good to read another one of your excellent stories.

Unknown said...

Sincerely hope I get your cab sometime while visiting Vegas for the WSOP or my annual trip in December.

Bravo sir. Excellent story!

SirFWALGMan said...

Did you get to spank her?

Pixie said...

Awesome. Welcome back Cabbie, you've been missed.

Katy sounds a little bipolar. I will say that if I smacked my husband once, I would not get a second chance. I can't believe Scott didn't grab her arm before she hit him the second time. I don't think he should hit her back, but I do think he should try to avoid the hit at all costs!


Shaman said...

How'd you know she was Korean?

Anonymous said...

I love your stories, Cabbie! It's been awhile...

Las Vegas Courtesan said...

hahahaha thanks for that story... needed a laugh break.

EddieEast said...

Great story! That girl sounded crazy!

TNelson said...

You have got to write a book someday. I look forward to all of your posts! Another great "slice of life" story.

Anonymous said...

one thing though: make your youtube videos "public" not "private". No one can see those at the moment and it's bad

The IT Guy said...

Damn you know how to tell a good story.. good to have some cabbie chronicles to read! less tweeting more blogging!! (sorry mate, couldnt resist ;)

HoundOfDoom said...

Wow, what a crazy story. I was hoping you could administer a little spanky to the threesome.

Glad you shut down Katy, if only for your own sanity. That guy needed to find his man parts. I hope he tossed her stuff on the street after all that, but, based on how he tipped you, perhaps he IS a douche.

Also enjoyed you in "Keep the Change". I will be sure to make the effort to find you before my next Vegas trip.

Anonymous said...

By far you are the best ambassador for Vegas cab drivers! I kinda thought your blog would save you from the steal or be unemployed policy Vegas cab companies all mandate. I sure hope that your choice to challenge "The Ticket" (the case you presented showed so clearly just how corrupt/disgusting/shameful the bodies charged with governing the industry are) didn't have something to do with your shift changes (punishment). I get so damn happy when I finally see a new story. And for those of you who complain about the infrequency - think "quality vs. quantity"!
Bonnie Butler

MrFunkMD said...

"How'd you know she was Korean?"

The same way I'd know what you are-by looking at her.

"one thing though: make your youtube videos "public" not "private". No one can see those at the moment and it's bad"

Yeah that was a tactical maneuver not an accident. I promise to share those again when my cabbie days are over. ...I was really excited when I got those vids, thought they'd be a big hit here, then nobody really cared. Then my company found out that I lied to them lol as a means of acquiring them, so they came down.

Thanks Hound and Bonnie, and everybody!

Anonymous said...

I love reading your stories! It's like a movie playing in my head!Good Stuff! Keep it coming =D

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog, and it was exactly what I was seeking: stories from one of my favorite looney but extremely lovable and addicting places in the world: Las Vegas. Thanks for sharing, and please don't ever stop!

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Elvis said...

She is one crazy lady. The argument does not even makes sense. All she says is the f word.

Ford Las Vegas said...

That was nice of you to give the mom and her three kids a ride even though it came out of your own pocket. As a woman and especially one that looks young for her age, I always like to tip VERY generously. It's to make a statement "Don't underestimate me because I'm a woman. I can tip as big as the men do or even bigger". See you in Vegas.

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Golden Gate is the first place I drank quasi-legally!


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Anonymous said...

Man, crazy ride. They could have used some good places to stay:

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Varzesh3 said...

Funny story :)

Child Custody Lawyer said...

Great article, I appreciate well thought out posts like this. Kudos!

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for years. Please don't be offended by what I'm about to say. I'm a writer as well, and I say this because I like your writing so much.

Use simpler language.

I just read your the "Ticket" series, and what finally forced me to speak was this line:

"Officer Hinkle saw to that in the way he prepared the pertinent documents in preparation of litigation."

Why not just say "Officer Hinkle saw to that in his report."?

Before he fired me, my first editor told me this, over and over: read "politics and the english language" by George Orwell.

I finally did. It didn't save my job, but it made me a better writer.

Your blog is fun, but with your passion it could be great. Every post has instances we

Pieter.Sanders89 said...

Las vegas is just a paradise man, I’ve been there so many times gambling and stuff and lost so much money :P It was kind of an addiction to me, then my wife forbade me to play real casino’s, so now I am mostly playing online kasino cause otherwise I lose too much money on these scam machines… In my view it’s the best way to play on the internet than in some dodgy casino’s that you are not sure of…

Pensacola Beach Taxi said...

Great story. I will be checking back for more.

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Anonymous said...

Hey Cabbie,

Nice and entertaining site. Unfortunately, my experience with Las Vegas cabbies have been horrendous - rude, smelly, long-haul kings...where does the list stop??? I do several visits a year and gladly pay over a $100 more per visit to use a rental car rather than cabs, just so I don't have to associate with the 90% of Las Vegas cabbies who are absolute scum.

Rental Car user

Anonymous said...

Crazy asian bitches especially Koreans are the worst. Been there done that, no thanks. I stick to black women now.

Anonymous said...

The long traffic lights in Las Vegas are costing our community millions!

Anonymous said...

hello mr funkmd updates???

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Rockin69 said...

I drove car in LV a long time ago and it is an interesting job . Stopped 4 robberies and got fired for beating up a fare who deserved it Now I am sharing Unlimited 4G Cell Service $49 mo

Jason said...

Hi. This is probably a weird post but I'm looking for a taxi for an xxx shoot later this month in Vegas. We're doing a parody of the Tom Cruise movie Collateral and would require it May 21 or 22. The movie stars some of the hottest girls in the porn industry. If you know anyone who would be interested in helping us please get back to me at

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Anonymous said...

Lost the chess match.... Hmmmm...
I noticed you do not have any chess books down for favorite books. I do not know your rating, so take no offence when I suggest a couple:
- Simple Chess, by Michael Stean
Do not be fooled as it is not as simple as it seems. It will give you guideposts for your middle game. It is a small, useful book.

- The Art of the Checkmate by
Renaud and Kahn

- Chess Tactics by Paul Littlewood

- Jeremy Silman's Endgame Book, Vol. 1 and any of Mednis' endgame books

- There are 10 billion fing opening books. Remember, there are no boring openings, just boring players. :)

Cheap Taxi to Gatwick said...

Love reading you story. I often surf Internet for stories and experiences the taxi drivers face on daily bases.

ITaxi said...

This is an excellent account, I have recommended your post at the itaxi blog . Has work changed much since 2011, I see that you are still tweeting?

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