XXIII

For some reason or another on my first day back to work they assigned me a mini-van to drive. I have no idea what happened to my regular cab while I was gone. Somebody probably wrapped it around a telephone pole or better yet it could be parked in some guys driveway at home while he let some hooker handcuff him to the bed. Either way, the mini-vans aint so bad except for the fact that they suck gas and you can't fly over the speed bumps with them. People go flying in the backseat. Although that might be sweet if you had a passenger fall asleep...I think you might literally get someone to shit their pants. That would be another first for the LVCC.

Another thing is that when people see a mini-van they think they can pile 10 people in the fucker. It's amazing the infinite lack of wisdom there is out there. The fact of the matter is that according to NRS no cab shall carry more than 5 passengers. Yes even mini vans. You cant carry more passengers than you have seatbelts. It makes sense. If it's an Exploder, they are only 4. 1 in the front, 3 in the back. The Crown Vics can carry 5,2/3. The mini-vans are also 5, 1/2/2. From a liability standpoint, if I loaded a 6pack and got in a wreck...all somebody would have to say is that they didn't have a seatbelt to put on. Cha-ching. I'd be out the job and my employer would be out a large amount of cash no matter which way it spun. Of course all that shit was out the window back when the strip clubs were paying big money. 8 was the most I ever got, 3/4/1(trunk). Now it's not anywhere near worth it. No reason to take the risk.




Late in the night I was 5th or 6th in line at the Ti, but more importantly the 1st mini-van. 6 guys walk out the front door needing a cab. On queue they immediately spot me, ignore the door-man, ignore the other cabs that have been waiting longer than me, walk over and one of them taps on my window.

Can you take us to the MGM?

There are 6 of you?

yeah

I'm sorry, I cant do it. 5 is the maximum passengers allowed, state law. You gotta get two cabs

I'll give you 20 bucks.

At this point it was obvious this guy had probably been doing this all weekend. No biggie. Im sure some cabbies would do it. But for me, if I'm going to risk losing my job, my license/permit, potentially huge fines and putting peoples lives in danger, you're going to have to do better than 20 bucks.

I'm sorry sir I cant do it. Just go up to the doorman, he'll get you two cabs and $10 a piece will get you there no problem.

I know but we all want to ride together....?

Again..I'm sorry, cant do it.

Then it was weird. It was like this guy shifted into another character almost. He sighed, kinda shrugged and then poof' he was different guy.

(reaches in his back pocket)

Alright....I just wanted to let you know that you're doing the right thing. I'm an off-duty Metro officer(shows me the badge), we all are...and like I said, you did the right thing.....But now you're going to take us!

Get in

A fun group of guys actually. They were all giving me a hard time because I was giving them one before. It was all in good fun. When we got to the MGM they all threw some money at me. It worked out good.


Now I know some of you may be thinking...wtf? First he runs from the cops,then was instrumental in the apprehension of an armed felon and now he is illegally carting around officers of the law to aide them in the squandering of their marriages and pensions in the same 12 hours.

In response to such claims I would tell you not to ask questions and then cite the first rule of Fight Club.

In all honestly I have nothing but respect for Officers of the Law. And Firefighters as well of course. (shout out to my crew at DFD!!!!)

These people don't get enough credit in my opinion.

If you disagree with that, I would suggest calling someone else when your boyfriend is beating you up because you don't listen.

XXII

The 4th of July holiday week has been really good so far for me. The Cabbie Gods have been smiling and I'm simultaneously grateful on one hand and wondering when the law of averages is going catch up to me on the other. A co-worker told me that they can tell how their night is going to be just by the first ride alone. If the first one is a good one, then your night will be as well and vice-versa. I disagree. A lot can happen in 12hrs. One ride can be completely fucked up and then the next could be some drunk bastard giving you a bill to take him to Excalibur. You never know. Furthermore I believe that your attitude determines your income for any given night more than anything.

If somebody asks you how your night is going the answer is always: Fantastic. It's quick and gets the point across. But say it with a little jive...Fantastic! People will respond. Its retarded almost. Like people are just like dogs in some strange way. FANTASTIC! It brings people up.

Try it sometime.

So I was doing fantastic tonight. As I said, Cabbie Gods... I loaded at Hard Rock. A white guy and smoking black girl. BANGIN! It was pretty obvious what was up from the git-go.

The white guy was Russian and spoke little English so the girl told me Riviera. As we are driving the guy starts talking about his wife and that they cant go back to his room there. She asks me where they could go.

A year ago you would have taken them to the Del Mar. I real shotty motel a couple blocks north of the Strat. They rented by the hour and were "conveniently located". However the place finally got closed by metro. It seemed that it took them a better part of a decade to figure it out. I don't know of any other places that do that so I was telling them about some places on Freemont they could get for 40 or so for the night.

We just need it for a little bit

Right. But it's (only) 40 bucks

This girl is all business. She's trying to figure it out. She doesn't want to go to her car, if she even has one and she's definitely not going to her pad. She invested time and now has a dude who's ready to party. It's time to cash in but they've got nowhere to go.

what about the cab?

I cant recall the exact first thing that entered my mind. I thought about it and wasn't really opposed necessarily.

You'll take care of me?

She knew what I wanted.

fine

I really didn't feel like watching our two lovebirds and more than anything it was time for some breakfast. I couldn't think of a better place to go at a time like this than the Peppermill. The Peppermill is this bad-ass cafe slash retro "fireside chats" lounge complete with awesome food and a vibe. This is the cafe that Swingers scene should have been filmed in. But more importantly, the 10 egg omelets for 10 bucks. They're huge. I never finish it.

I found a good place to park. Took my permit, keys and medallion with me. I was seated, ordered the usual and thought about adding a white Russian to my order in honor of my new friend. But I was on duty. The food was good as usual I left a twenty on the table and walked back out to the cab.


It was empty. When I got close to it I could see the 100 sitting on the drivers seat. An honest ho. Fantastic!



------


On that note kids Im off for my own vacation as of the 5th. Where I'll be the next three weeks is a mystery. To you, not to me. Perhaps I'll have some interesting chronicles as a passenger for change. I tell you this only to explain that there shan't be a reason to visit this page for about three weeks or so for it will be the same as it is......now.

XXI

I was getting late Friday night and I had cleared at the Circus Circus back door. There is never anything going on there after midnight so I cruised two blocks to find the Crazy Horse II wide. I only waited a couple minutes before a white guy mid 30's walked out. It was pretty obvious the guy had been drinking as soon as he got in. He gave a destination of "the Beach"

The Beach is just a couple of miles away over on convention center. Traffic was starting to lighten up so I was there in no time. As we are approaching the light in front of the Beach I hear my passenger snoring in the backseat.

This use to annoy me but now I think waking them up is half the fun....

We're almost here man...wakeup.

nothing

HEY bro...wake up!

Nothing again.

Now for my favorite part....I hit the brakes very sharply and quickly and at the same time yell loudly:

OH SHIT!!!

...all the while keeping my eye in the mirror so I can watch his reaction. Its priceless everytime. Guaranteed. This guy was no different, he delivered the goods. I on the other hand was shitting my pants for another reason.

We pull up to the drop-off at the Beach. There is a big line waiting to get in the club. Meter reads $6.95.

It takes him a good two minutes to negotiate his wallet from his pocket.

Do you have change for $100?

You owe me 7 bucks man...you don't have anything smaller?

If there is anything that pisses me off more than only have credit on you, it's only having hundreds. I had been working for a good ten hours at this point and could have broken a $100 easily. However the answer to that question is always no. Besides the obvious reasons, there are others as well:

1) I just picked you up at a strip club, they are in the business of breaking $100's
2) It's stated clearly on the cab that the driver only carries $5 in change
3) Don't you think that might have been a good question to ask me...I don't know, before I got you where you were going?

There are more, but you get the idea.

I can probably get you $80 for it, otherwise we're gonna have to find a gas station to break it.

You cant break a hundred?

No sir, I might have 80 I can give you for it.

How close is a gas station?

not far

Ok, lets go break it.

Fine by me, it's you're dime man.

So we leave the Beach' property and drive a mile or so south to the closest gas station. As we're pulling in it was clear that this guy was annoyed (that makes two of us) and I feared he was going to try and ditch so I locked the doors and made him give me his ID before I let him out to go inside.

He walked inside and I noticed these two hookers were doing a pole dance on a light post by the street. Providing more than enough free entertainment for me while I was waiting. A few minutes later my guy returns.

Are we good to go?

yeah

I gave him his ID back and proceeded back to the Beach.

We arrive again at the Beach drop-off area and I turn the time off. It seemed like the line is longer. Meter is now $13.45. He hands me a ten and a five. I pocket the cash and fill out the remainder of my trip sheet.

This is usually the time when people exit the cab but this guy was drunk. But, not drunk enough to the point where he doesn't realize that he needs to check 50 times to make sure he has his wallet, his phone and whatnot. It seemed like it was taking this guy forever. I finally turn my head around to see what the problem was as I did so he was finally exiting the cab. He stands up and checks his pockets again for his wallet and his other shit.

Then out of the corner of my eye I notice a package of hot-dogs sitting on the seat. Not like a hot-dog for a snack, but a package of 8 Oscar Mayers. Seemingly at the same time I noticed the hot-dogs, he notices that he forgot them. So he reaches back in the cab and grabs the hot-dogs. As he was walking towards the back of the line I see him put the hot-dogs in his back pocket of his jeans. Barely fitting them in.

Not to disgruntled of a drunk when all was said and done, but I couldn't help but think that I might have gotten a bigger tip if I had some condiments in the cab.

XX

The Venetian was packed with at least a 100 people in line and no cabs in site. I pulled in empty so I drove right up to the loading area. The doorman, opens the door and two girls get in. The first a really hot Asian girl and then a equally smoking blond followed her into the backseat. They give a destination of the Gold Coast.

Not to interrupt but now is as good a time as any to profess my love for hot Asian girls....

As the Asian is crawling across the seat she asks:

Do you take credit cards?

Jesus H Christ, don't people carry cash anymore in Vegas? I cant say I've ever seen someone put a black AMEX on the pass line before.

They are now both in the cab, doors are shut and I haven't moved the cab an inch.

No...We don't take credit, cash only. Perhaps you should run inside and use the ATM and then you can grab another cab.

that's ok, I have cash, can you take us to the Gold Coast?

It was obvious she didn't want to wait in that line again.

You have cash?

yeah

...well, can you show me some of it?

what?

The cash. You're going to have to show me at least 10 bucks before I'm taking you anywhere.

I'm offended by that. I don't have to show you anything.

Actually you do, or you can protect your precious ego back in the cab line if you'd like. It's your call.

Blondy jumps in:

You're an asshole

You're right, I am. ESPECIALLY TO PEOPLE WHO ARE WASTING MY FUCKING TIME!

Now there is another cab behind me, laying on his horn, because he wants to pick up too. But he cant until I move.

Blondy:

I don't see what the big deal is. Cabs in LA accept credit.

Really? I'll make you a deal then. You give me a thousand dollar deposit and I'll take you to LA. I'm sure you could find a cabbie there that would be more than happy to take you to the Gold Coast.

Three or four cabs honking at me now in addition to the looks I'm getting from the door guy and people in line.

Blondy:

What the fuck is your problem?

I believe I've already answered that question.

Apparently it took them this long to discover that I wasn't kidding and she grabs a twenty and holds it up.

Look,I have cash just take us to the Gold Coast ok?

See...that wasn't so hard was it?

Very well, seatbelts please.

And we pull away.

I'd given up any hope for any meaningful dialog with the ladies after that exchange so I shut up and just focused on their conversation.

It started out about how they should get my cab number and call my company to complain. ....Always one of my favs. Like they'd give a shit. It's their money I'm trying to collect. Then about how its ridiculous that we cant take credit cards. Then about how the cabbies in LA are so much cooler than cabbies in Vegas. Then blondy gets a cell phone call and she goes on to tell whoever that was about how big of an ass I am.

...yeah we're in a cab on the way there...our driver is a real asshole, hopefully he doesn't take us out in the desert and kill us

...The Asian girl laughs at that comment.

We're on Flamingo WB now approaching I-15.

blonde's phone call is complete and their conversation goes back to me....

Blondy:

hey remember the cabbie we had earlier today?

Asian:

yeah, that guy was cool.

yeah, that's just what I was gonna say. I cant say much for this fuck though....

It was fun while it lasted but I'd had enough.

Do you have something to say to me? Because I'm right here.

Blondy:

No, I think we've established that we're through talking to you.

I hit the brakes harder than I needed to, pulled over and turned on my four-ways.

You know what? You're right! You are through talking to me and now you can get the fuck out of my cab.

Asian: (not wanting to be ditched on a freeway overpass with six lanes of traffic in skirts and heels)

Look, we're sorry. Don't listen to her. I know you're just doing your job.

(Insert buzzer sound from Family Feud) Sorry missy, the "sorry" ship has sailed and you weren't on it.

There is a line of cars stuck behind me now, all of which are honking. How ironic.

I turned around and looked them both in the eye.

Remove yourselves from my cab or I will do it for you.

It was obvious I wasn't kidding so they obliged. But not before blondy could add some nice parting words.

So that ride cost me 7 bucks, but it might have been worth it just to see them walk away. Damn that Asian girl had a nice ass.

Today I was instrumental in apprehending a robbery suspect

I was on the west side of town mid-shift, out of gas and hungry.

I went down to this gas station that I know to get some petro and some take-out cheeseburgers that they have there that are the fuck.

I walked in placed my order, and gave the guy 2 20's to prepay for some gas. I walk back out to the pumps and begin fueling. I only got to 4 bucks...What is that a half a gallon these days?.....When a guy comes running out of the bar next door.....

WHERE DID HE GO? DID YOU SEE SOMEBODY JUST RUN OUT OF HERE??? WHICH WAY DID HE GO?

I donno man. I just got here(pointed at the small gas amount)I didn't see anybody

HOW DID YOU NOT SEE HIM, HE JUST RAN OUT OF HERE A SECOND AGO?

I'm tellin ya, I didn't see anybody running any....

I got mid-sentence and then I seen a Chevy pickup pull out from behind the building....I pointed at him.

Is that the guy?

As soon as I pointed at the guy, he peeled out of the lot like a bat out of hell......I had already gathered that this was the bartender I was talking to and I figured he just got robbed or something.


Now if jerkoff in the Chevy had just left the scene quietly he might have gotten away with it, but considering running is a surefire sign of guilt, I took off on foot to try and get the plate #. I run out into the street to get behind him as he was running a red light. I was able to get the plate number in time.

I run back to the cab and write the number down along w/ description.

I guess they had already called the cops because no sooner than I had the info to paper metro cruises by and we're waiving him in. Not knowing the difference he pulled right up to me...

Officer, suspect is in a late 90's Chevy pick-up 2500 or 3500. Two tone, Light brown/dark brown. Plate #XXX-XXX. Last seen heading EB on Westcliff about 2 minutes ago.

The officer got right on the radio with info...Which was quality info if I do say so myself. Cabbie training I guess.

Officer:

description of the suspect?

I didn't get a good look at the guy. He was white, mid 30's...I'm sure these guys can give you a better description, they're the bartenders

Who are you?

I'm just a guy pumping gas..trying to help out

The cop was pissed about that for some reason. (that I wasn't the guy who got robbed) Like that invalidated all the info I just gave him.

No sooner than cop debriefs the two bartenders, coppers radio lights up and he goes on to explain that they caught the guy.

Right the fuck on.

A while later after filling out witness reports and other BS more metros show up, one of which has the guy in the backseat. The wanted us to ID the guy. I refused, b/c I didn't get a good enough look at the guy himself. But I said I could positively ID the truck if needbe. didn't matter, the bartenders both ID'd the guy, and they had the whole thing on tape anyway.

Looks like I might have to show up in court though.

Cheeseburgers were good as usual, albeit cold.